Sunday, 25 March 2018

Lets Talk about some myths around sex

Lets Talk about some myths around sex

Over generations we have developed many myths about sex and many of them take our sense of joy and enjoyment away from our sexual experience. We get wound up in our thoughts, which takes away from feeling, relaxing and being present in the moment.

I wanted to share with you a few myths presented in a book called The Art of Sexual Ecstasy by Margo Anand.

1. The only purpose for sex is procreation. While sex is necessary for procreation, if it was the only reason we needed to have it, why bother having it outside of this reason? Surely there has to be other reasons beyond procreation for having sex. This notion of sex being only for procreation can create a sense of guilt and shame in some people. It can take away the pleasure of discovering our sexual nature and orgasmic bliss. Sex can be a vehicle through which we express our creativity, freedom, love and can open doors for deeper self discovery and even spiritual connection.

2. We should be ashamed of sex. This concept that sex is shameful stems from the idea of the body being separate from our spirit and mind. It was thought that we cannot control our urges and sexual drive by our own free thus sex was perceived as a dangerous act and should be condemned outside of procreation. The author suggests that this condemnation of sex is what leads to dangerous sexual behaviours because we have moved away from honouring and respecting our bodies through a mind/body/spirit connection.

If we were more deeply connected to ourselves we would engage in better relationships and behaviours. If we don’t respect ourselves we may act in ways that are not aligned with our true self and can lead to suffering. On the flip side, when we approach sex in a healthy connected way it can lead to beautiful experiences and personal growth. Of course this must be done in a safe place not just physically but emotionally as well.

If I understood the author correctly, the idea of one being judged and shamed for sexual curiousity and desire can lead people to explore their sexual desires in dangerous and hidden ways so others don’t find out. This comes with all sorts of risks. If we viewed sex differently as a normal part of the human experience people would feel safe and open to exploring their sexual nature.

3. When Making Love, there is a “right” way. Many people fall victim to expert opinions on the right way to make love. How many of us have picked up a magazine with the headline reading, “The 10 best ways to make her orgasm, “ or “learn the 5 ways to please your man.” Although the advice might give you some ideas, certainly what is written may also not be right for you. This would also apply to pornography. Just because you see something in pornography doesn’t mean that is what making love looks like in reality. Pornography often times is aggrandized to be over stimulating but that is not a typical representation of what sex looks like.

What is right, is when you can connect with yourself to know what you like and share a safe space with your partner to explore what he/she likes. When you approach from a place of curiousity and not expectation then the possibilities are open for discovery and true connection with your partner.

4. Sex is only an experience reserved for the genitals. When it comes to pleasure and orgasm in sex, it is narrow to think that the only parts of the body that can provide pleasure are the genitals. There are many different parts of the body that are sensual, pleasurable and erotic. Be open to exploring other areas of the body to find your sexual zones.

5. The only meaningful act during sex is intercourse. The idea of foreplay is seen as a means/preparation for intercourse and/or that its unhealthy to enjoy foreplay. There is more to sex than just a couple minutes of thrusting that ends abruptly. Sexual pleasure can be much deeper and wider ranging, such as kissing, touching, caressing and other forms of foreplay that are just as important to the sexual experience and sexual fulfillment.

6. The quality of your sexual experience depends on your partner. How many of you have thought, “if I could just find a man/woman that knows what they are doing...then sex would be great.” This type of thinking can close us down from self exploration, exploring with our partner and can put a lot of expectation and pressure on the other person. If you want orgasmic bliss it is up to you to take actions to foster these goals for yourself.

These actions might include, self exploration of what you like, talking with your partner to create a safe environment for exploration, telling your partner what you like and how you like it, seeking advice from a sex therapist or coach, reading books if you are unsure or looking for ideas. The possibilities to access information are endless.

Margo Anand’s book is a synthesis of decades of research and exploration of various cultures to bring you suggestions for deeper connection and attaining orgasmic bliss. Check out her books.

The Pelvic Health Lady

Thursday, 8 March 2018

When Emotions Get Constipated

When Emotions get constipated.

We underestimate the power emotions have on our body. If we don’t value emotions, its easy to ignore, avoid, dismiss, bury emotions, especially unpleasant ones.

I was listening to a great presentation by JP Sears, a comedian, emotional coach and author of How To Be Ultra Spiritual: 12 ½ steps to spiritual superiority.

He says, emotions, or E and Motion is energy in motion. Carl Jung says that emotions are the language of our soul. All emotions are sacred. Emotions are the guiding force that helps us nourish our soul and grow into our true selves and part of growth can be discomfort.

So what happens when our emotions get constipated?

If you imagine an emotion as a source of energy, when we don’t stop to acknowledge it, listen to it and let it run its course that energy gets stuck in the digestive system (going with this metaphor). We may not notice it right away but as time passes we begin to realize, something is not right. It could be lack of energy, bloating, constipation, abdominal pain, cramping, etc. We will think something is wrong with our body.

Or we may feel the emotion and decide to suffocate it by breathing shallow, we become physically tense, psychologically rigid just so we don’t have to “feel” the emotion. After awhile this energy starts to become toxic.

An emotion or sensation can be unpleasant such as anger, sadness, grief, fear but its not necessarily bad. These emotions if allowed to run their course with mindful compassion actually nourish us. Just like food moves through the digestive system to provide us nourishment, these energies are meant to nourish us as well. They help us discover hidden truths about ourselves. They help us draw lines between who we are now and who we were then.

It seems logical that if something hurts from a survival perspective then it must be bad for me. If we rule out true danger of death, the emotions that hurt can actually become our friends not enemies. Self-acceptance/self-realization is when you can move toward the feeling that feels bad and transmute it. 90% of these emotions will enlighten us.

To accept ourselves truly, we need to “feel” ourselves and connect to our bodies, in order to begin to understand the messages that our emotions are trying to communicate. We need to approach the sensations with curiousity and allow them to be present so that they may be digested.

When we can sit with our sadness or shame or guilt or whatever emotion, at first it may feel like sitting in a swamp that is stagnant and not moving, but by focusing on it with loving compassion the energy begin to move and a stream begins to flow. This allows the water to become clear. Once its clear, we can see the bottom and understand the true message of our soul.

These are 5 questions JP Sears posed in his presentation to help deepen self-acceptance and create more flow.
  1. Who are you not?
  2. Who’s expectations are you still polarized around? Put another way, who’s expectations do you find yourself either abiding to or acting in defiance. For example, my parents want this or that of I am doing it. Or my parents want me to act like this so I’m doing everything possible to do the opposite.
  3. How do you meet your emotional needs?
  4. What is your biofeedback that tells you when you are out of alignment with your true self? Meaning how do you know when you are out of balance? Are you aware of the sensations in your body? Or the emotions? What do you use to gauge whether you are on the right track in life?
  5. What wants to live through you? Or put another way, what purpose is trying to be fulfilled by you? Why are you here?

Credit where credit is due. JP Sears presentation for the Self Acceptance Summit hosted by Soundstrue.

The Pelvic Health Lady