Lets Talk about some myths around sex
Over generations we have developed many myths about sex and many of them take our sense of joy and enjoyment away from our sexual experience. We get wound up in our thoughts, which takes away from feeling, relaxing and being present in the moment.
I wanted to share with you a few myths presented in a book called The Art of Sexual Ecstasy by Margo Anand.
1. The only purpose for sex is procreation. While sex is necessary for procreation, if it was the only reason we needed to have it, why bother having it outside of this reason? Surely there has to be other reasons beyond procreation for having sex. This notion of sex being only for procreation can create a sense of guilt and shame in some people. It can take away the pleasure of discovering our sexual nature and orgasmic bliss. Sex can be a vehicle through which we express our creativity, freedom, love and can open doors for deeper self discovery and even spiritual connection.
If we were more deeply connected to ourselves we would engage in better relationships and behaviours. If we don’t respect ourselves we may act in ways that are not aligned with our true self and can lead to suffering. On the flip side, when we approach sex in a healthy connected way it can lead to beautiful experiences and personal growth. Of course this must be done in a safe place not just physically but emotionally as well.
If I understood the author correctly, the idea of one being judged and shamed for sexual curiousity and desire can lead people to explore their sexual desires in dangerous and hidden ways so others don’t find out. This comes with all sorts of risks. If we viewed sex differently as a normal part of the human experience people would feel safe and open to exploring their sexual nature.
3. When Making Love, there is a “right” way. Many people fall victim to expert opinions on the right way to make love. How many of us have picked up a magazine with the headline reading, “The 10 best ways to make her orgasm, “ or “learn the 5 ways to please your man.” Although the advice might give you some ideas, certainly what is written may also not be right for you. This would also apply to pornography. Just because you see something in pornography doesn’t mean that is what making love looks like in reality. Pornography often times is aggrandized to be over stimulating but that is not a typical representation of what sex looks like.
What is right, is when you can connect with yourself to know what you like and share a safe space with your partner to explore what he/she likes. When you approach from a place of curiousity and not expectation then the possibilities are open for discovery and true connection with your partner.
4. Sex is only an experience reserved for the genitals. When it comes to pleasure and orgasm in sex, it is narrow to think that the only parts of the body that can provide pleasure are the genitals. There are many different parts of the body that are sensual, pleasurable and erotic. Be open to exploring other areas of the body to find your sexual zones.
5. The only meaningful act during sex is intercourse. The idea of foreplay is seen as a means/preparation for intercourse and/or that its unhealthy to enjoy foreplay. There is more to sex than just a couple minutes of thrusting that ends abruptly. Sexual pleasure can be much deeper and wider ranging, such as kissing, touching, caressing and other forms of foreplay that are just as important to the sexual experience and sexual fulfillment.
6. The quality of your sexual experience depends on your partner. How many of you have thought, “if I could just find a man/woman that knows what they are doing...then sex would be great.” This type of thinking can close us down from self exploration, exploring with our partner and can put a lot of expectation and pressure on the other person. If you want orgasmic bliss it is up to you to take actions to foster these goals for yourself.
These actions might include, self exploration of what you like, talking with your partner to create a safe environment for exploration, telling your partner what you like and how you like it, seeking advice from a sex therapist or coach, reading books if you are unsure or looking for ideas. The possibilities to access information are endless.
Margo Anand’s book is a synthesis of decades of research and exploration of various cultures to bring you suggestions for deeper connection and attaining orgasmic bliss. Check out her books.
The Pelvic Health Lady