Setting the intent for a safe sexual space

Many women who experience painful intercourse or are scared to engage in intercourse (due to fear of pain or injury) may find benefit from practicing small rituals. These rituals are meant to create a safe environment not just physically but mentally and emotionally. The suggestions in this blog can also be for women whom are practicing therapeutic techniques with dilators.

Our pelvic floor muscles and the pelvic region in general are highly protective. So for women whom are trying to overcome pain with sexual intimacy may benefit from taking extra time to set the intention for the practice.

It is through new routines and mindset that we can begin to develop new emotional concepts around sexual activities. Our subconscious may have built in negative emotional concepts that need re-wiring. Only through practice can we begin to impact neuroplasticity, which simply means the ability for the brain to change which can impact how our body reacts.

So I will describe a couple examples of some rituals but by no means do you have to do it exactly this way. You might want to start with these instructions and then I encourage you try your own ritual of what works best to set the right tone for you. You can also choose to include your partner or perhaps this might be something you do on your own for yourself.

Ritual One:

Set aside enough time to tidy your room. De-clutter, change your sheets, make the bed nicely and perhaps add some flowers. If you wish you may want to add candles or incense or essential oils to create a visually appealing as well as a pleasant olfactory (smell) environment. Some of you may want to perhaps smudge the room with sage if you are familiar with this practice.

Then walk around the room counterclockwise 3 times visualizing and verbally asking for any negative energy to be removed. Then walk around the room clockwise 3 times visualizing and verbally saying I welcome positive and healing energies into this room. 

So you could do this before dilator work or before sex with your partner. Set your intention for the type of experience YOU want. What do you want to feel? What do you want to experience? Don’t think of it in negative terms for example I want sex to not hurt. Although that may be the ultimate goal, perhaps an alternative intent could be something like this, I want to feel the pleasure of intimacy or I want to feel the safety in my partner’s touch. Another example could be: I want to feel my body in a relaxed state during my dilator work.

We are changing the context from what we don’t want to feel, to what we do want to feel. This will take practice, but get the mind and emotions working toward what you DO want rather than focusing on what you don’t want. It is absolutely helpful working with a sexologist and or sex therapist if there is past sexual trauma or fear of sex.

Ritual 2:

Pick a room, whether it is your bedroom or another room that you are interested in transforming into a sacred and special space. Clean up the room, remove dust and dirt, and remove unnecessary furniture, trinkets and ornaments.

You may then want to decorate the room with certain fabrics, paintings or photographs that give you a mystical, romantic or aesthetic feeling. Your room doesn’t have to stay decorated like this forever, it could just be decorated like this for you sexual practices.

Be creative, use colours that energize you, colours that make you feel safe, happy, blissful. If you don’t know what those colours are then set aside some time to explore your emotions with various colours. Look at different colours and get really curious as to how your body responds, what you feel and think as you look at this colour.

Place cushions or pillows on the bed or in the room. Really have fun, like creating your grown up fort where you are going to play. Make the space cheerful, fun and safe.

This will help you set the intent for your practice and will help you set your emotions. By setting your emotions and developing new emotional categories for your sexual practice you can slowly begin to change how your body reacts into a more controlled environment, opening you up to experiencing new pleasures. This is about changing perceptions. This is a practice that takes time for the subconscious to pick up as well, so you cannot expect after practicing once that all fears will be gone.

Make a dedication to yourself to create and change your perceptions of sexual intimacy. Be curious, have fun, be open to your experience for what it is in the moment, stay present and stay non-judgmental towards yourself. Approach with loving kindness whatever your experience may be.

Hope this provides you starting points to open up your experience.

The Pelvic Health Lady

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Reference: Anand, Margo. The Art of Sexual Ecstasy: The Path of Sacred Sexuality for Western Lovers. 1989.